This isn't an instagram picture..What's really going on.

 Little did I know its been a year pretty much since the last time I wrote my last post on feeling STUCK. Well guess what, that feeling hasn't gone away if anything it has intensified to the point of emotionally exhausted. I get asked the questions by many "so can you guys not have kids or do you want more kids?" and well here is my answer now....Andy and I are now struggling to bring life to this crazy world. Its been over a year now of confusion and heart ache and longing. I am not writing this for sympathy or "poor whitney" but to say that my life is no instagram worthy picture all the time. This is my real life! My unknown, my tears, my confusion, my anger.
Well now you know the answer. I wouldn't say never, but I am also not going to sit here and put my sole hope in this happening one day.  I want to be able to move forward but I think thats what hurts the most. What next?....More testing? Meds? ADOPTION? Foster Care? Older kid? Baby? International? Where will the money come from????I DONT KNOW? But I do know that I can't give up. I can't just sit here and wait another year to go by but God seems to have me waiting. This is the longest thing I have ever had to wait on....to grow our family. I want that for our family especially for Zyan. Then I think of my sweet boy and how crazy his story is and wish it could be as quick but that isn't how God is working this time. I want to believe with my whole heart that he can do the same thing again with out having to start all the medicines and appointments and doctors. I want to believe that God can do what he wants to do wither from me or through adoption to grow the Charles Clan.
Everyone seems to have their theory of how they got pregnant and it might have worked for you but do you know how many people have given me advice and options I should look into? At least 20+ different ways.Its exhausting to me. Try this or Try that or you should totally do this it works. Whatever God has for our family I hope to be able to write it into another chapter of this so called not so normal life that Andy and I live in. I know many have gone down this path and its a touchy subject but I believe in prayer and asking for it. So would you just pray for our family and not just that we would be able to conceive because for me its more than that. I just want to do what the Lord is calling us to do and adoption is a big part of that but more for the WHAT next for our family. How can I use this for God's glory and not my own because people my life is not my own as much and as many times as I make it out to be. My life is far better than I imagined it to be but with that has come A LOT of tears and hashing outs because I have to LET GO of A LOT of my expectations for my family....and this is one of them.
When I heard this song by All Sons and Daughters I thought HOLY CRAP this is exactly my feelings towards my life now....

When the pieces seem to shatter 
To gather off the floor 
And all that seems to matter 

Is that I don't feel you anymore
No I don't feel you anymore
I need a reason to sing
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
I need a reason to sing
When I'm overcome by fear
And I hate everything I know
If this waiting lasts forever
I'm afraid I might let go
Will there be a victory
Will You sing it over me now
I need to know that You're still holding
The whole world in Your hands
That is a reason to sing

I am stuck

So many have asked how our first placement went. Lets just say it lasted a whole 4 days people. I cant get into all the details and I am still processing through it all to be honest.

People are asking me how I am doing and Im struggling I really am. This system is so screwed up. I feel lied to, betrayed and quit honestly like a failure. We are yet another home that failed a child. This child needs major stability, a stricted schedule, and hard love. With our camp life that we live I can provide 1 out of those 3 things....hard love. I think about the girl every day that we had and how much she needs Jesus and not just in her head but truly in her heart. She has so many issues I cant begin to list them, she was tough, really though and most people told that to us but I still had to give her a chance I felt like.

And now I just feel stuck. Do we get back into it knowing that there might be things that are stuffed under the rug that they dont tell us? How Lord does this fit into our life style especially kids that dont do well with change and Andy traveling so much and Andy going back to school and me working to pay for school? I think about Zyan and how he literally just came to be in our life and I feel strongly about adoption and I felt like that was hard and I can do hard things but this.....THIS IS HARD!!!

People ask," what keeps you up at night" and this keeps me up at night. Thinking about these kids and can we really do this. Can I leave my selfishness, my sleep, my time with Andy, friends, nap times aside? We have inquired about many kids up for adoption of all ages and NOTHING has happened. So yet another thing I feel discouraged about....GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

If I have had to pin point anything in all of this it truly is that sometimes what we think is GOD's timing really isnt and I try and rush things way to quickly. In reality we probably shouldnt have taken that girl in just with the timing of all the change we had coming up and still living at camp. I see that now but what I thought would be a good thing wasnt so much as BIG learning thing.

Mommy Fairytale Failure

I hate new years resolutions. Who actually sticks with them and why do we have to start them on january 1 when you usually just break them a week later? Or you look at everyone elses and the comparison factor sets in. I already work out, eat healthier than most, have my finances in check so there goes the top 3 things most people try and work on.

However, this year for some reason really got me thinking about my life and honestly got me in the stinken MOM DUMPS!!! and now my brain just wont stop thinking..... This writing is to all my future mommas and maybe even the ones out there who want a fairytale mommy life. Guess what ITS NOT OUT THERE and if you have it then please TELL ME HOW?

Lets back up to what I used to think a fairytale mommy life would be.....My child would always use their manors,(um yeah today at lunch in a restaurant my child said momma, I farted...shewey that stinky), never scream or wine in a store for a toy...I mean just saying NO you should be greatful for what you have(that should work right?), sleep to 8am, take 3hr naps daily, make a happy plate, play quietly by themselves, buckle themselves in their own car seat by age 1.(bahah yeah right) Once potty trained they would NEVER pee in their pants again, have playdates with other mommies and be BFF with eachother...ok yeah the list could go on really. For the most part my kid is really awesome except screams at me if I try to dress him or do anything because DUH daddy is around and wants him to do everything!!!

But I say all this because Mommy hood is STINKEN hard and honestly I feel alone in my life right now with this whole journey. I have been so BLESSED with friends that I have known for a very long time but none of those friends live where I live now. They live all over the united states. All the girls that get me, that I dont have to talk about mommy things with, that can talk about God, family, jobs, passions and ambitions with. I guess this all started when Andy asked me who my best friend was in Arkansas and I couldnt answer him. Not that I need another "best friend" but that I could have someone that gets me like that ya know. Someone I could call when im sick here, or just wanna hang out on a friday night, vacation with, go to the movies, call and say im comin over NOW....yada yada yada;You get my drift.... the problem is me and everyone else are so busy with life that we dont have in depth friendships or we already have those people that we dont want to let anyone else in our friend circle. Or our kids play together but thats all we know about them....OUR KIDS!

I guess Im just saying its not that I dont enjoy play groups or other moms its just where/when do the real friendships begin? We have almost lived here for 2 yrs and I know these things take time. So as of today im not going to say a new years resolution but im going to start a Charles Family make-over. Each month im going to ask a new family over for lunch or dinner to really spend time with them and ask questions about their life. Im not going to spend as much time on instagram and facebook looking at other moms and playing the pitiful me look at their mommy life it looks so great compared to mine card, because when it comes down to the heart of it I HAVE NOTHING to complain about AT ALL! I just want REAL community so REAL community will begin in our families life.

Charles Christmas Home

I love to decorate so when Christmas time is around its just another reason to do something I love to do.  If I had it my way I would have a tree in every room and go over the top but to do that, that cost more money and so this is just what I have required over the 4 1/2 yrs we have been married. All stuff is and was bought the day after christmas.....CHEAP way to decorate for the next year. 

Our tree in the living room is themed with pictures of our family from how we began to now...

Each year I get a new picture frame and put a picture of our family doing something from that year to remember.

I always wanted a real fireplace but this fireplace with chalkboard will have to do for now!

 

Andy as a baby along with zyan and my themed presents this year.

I get a new plate each year.

Its baking time already.

Our tree in our room is very special. Its our travel tree. Every place we have gone we get an ornament and also ornaments that zyan has made. We pick out a new one for him each year that has do with something he did. Next year we will start putting his ornaments on his tree.

So there are the Charles family decorating traditions.

Your doing WHAT?

The title of this post explains it all...Your doing what? Foster care? Are you sure? Are you going to be safe? What about Zyan? Can you handle it? Are you not wanting to have your "own" children?

These are all questions and many more that get asked when we have started to tell people that we are in the process of opening our home to foster care. I feel like a looney lately because the thought of it just makes me cry. I cry because... my heart aches so much.  I cry because I begin to think what if we wouldnt have listened to Lord when adopting Zyan he wouldnt be ours. So that emotion in itself begins to come up inside of me. I cry because when you feel like Jesus is literally right there embracing you; cant help but be flooded with emotion. I cry because I see how the Lord has worked in my husbands life. How he wants to lead our family in this journey and love the fatherless. I cry because God hasnt just spoke to me but to Andy as well and telling us the same thing without really hearing his "verbal" voice. I cry because of our stepping out in CRAZY faith others are doing the same. We are know different then anyone else. I cry because if we dont give these kids a chance then who will? The list could go on and on about why Im crying...

So to answer all your questions...Yes, I am sure, Yes I am scared, Yes I am anxious, No, I dont know if I will be able to handle it at times and the last question....we dont know if we will ever have our "own". It seems like when we begin to talk about having bio kids the faces of these fatherless children come into our mind and then here we go again! As far as we are concerned Zyan is our own. He resembles us in so many ways its crazy. Soooooo.....you can stop asking when are you going to get pregnant and when are you going to start trying. We are trying, trying to do what God wants us to do and that is to move forward with this. Our journey continues, each day at a time.

Finished our CALL/PRIDE training Nov. 17

Zyan's Story Part 2

Ok I have kept you waiting long enough for Part 2 of Zyan's story.....

I remember the exact place where I was standing in our small lil first home that we had when they told us it was a BOY, honestly I was even more excited. I always felt like I would be a great mom for boys with my suck it up kinda attitude. Really the rest of the time frame is such a blur because it happened so quickly. We left the next weekend to head to Kentucky. Not the best decision because we were told that birth mother was going into labor and wanted to meet us first. Well, we get there and none of that was true. We drove 8hrs to sit in a hotel room for 3 days and NOTHING happened. I was pretty down and frustated about the whole situation.

We returned home and I talked with the birth mother a couple of times and each time she informed us that the birth father wasnt on board and did I mention they had 3 daughters already and now that it was a boy I was sure this was all a waste of time and they would keep him because it was a boy. But 3 weeks later we got several phone calls in the middle of the night. Of coarse the night I forgot to turn my phone off of silence. We woke up at 6:30 to get ready for church and I checked my phone and had 8 missed phone calls. We made several phone calls to our volunteers and told them it was time. We literally had our car already packed just in case and thankful for all of our church members we had TONS of stuff that they gave us because we didnt have a single thing. Heck I didnt even know how to change a diaper and Andy had never even held a newborn. But we were on our parenting journey starting now and nobody knows what they are doing or getting themselves into no matter how many people give you advice. We drove straight back to Kentucky checked into a hotel and went straight to the hospital. Baby boy was already almost 24hrs old by then so we met with a counselor and social worker first then I was told that the birth mother wanted to meet me first. I will never forget going into that room and meeting baby boys birth mother. She was as sweet as she sounded on the phone. Big smile with big brown eyes. One of her daughters was there so just getting to see what one of baby boys birth sisters looks like was even more crazy. After we met she wanted Andy and I to go into the room by ourselves to meet Baby and have the counselor with us to see what our reactions were. I just remember being in this TINY room with one chair for hours that day wondering what in the world we were suppose to do now. Andy and I would just sit and trade holding him hours after end. I honestly thought it was the wrong baby at first because he was very faired skinned and almost looked indian/hispanic.
In the state of Kentucky the birth parents had 3 days to decide if they wanted to keep the baby. After day 2 they still hadnt signed and the birth father wanted to meet with Andy. Boy was that a tear jerker. He basically said that he was giving up his one and only son because he couldnt provide for another mouth and had been in and out of prison just to make ends meet for his family doing all the wrong things. Birth mom actually was in labor but still worked a 12hr shift went home braided the girls hair, put them to bed and came to the hospital and said im having a baby and bam there he was. They actually named him after the father and asked if we were going to change it and we said yes and they asked what. We told them Zyan Patrick Charles. (patrick is andys middle name) He looked at us and said I think that is a fine name and I think you will be fine parents and be able to give him what we cant. We asked if we could pray for them and we put Z in the middle and all prayed around him and their family. They signed the papers and we allowed them to keep Zyan for a whole day so they could morn and spend time with him. Their lawyer then informed us that Zyan would probably have to be put into a foster home until all of our paperwork was cleared to "go over the border" and wouldnt know for several hours once she met with the judge. She came back hours later and she said, "in all my 20+ yrs the judge has never grantited a child to go with the adoptive parents but he did this time. You can now take your child back to your hotel until the rest of your paperwork is clear which will be in 2 to 3 days." I remember putting Zyan in the car and just started shaking, what in the world were we doing, what do we do now? PEOPLE....We had to stay in 2 different hotels for 10 days with a new born. We were so dilarious. Zyan was up every 3 hrs on the dot and made lots of noises and I am a terrible sleeper as it is. We finally got a routine down but believe me I had some break down moments also. I just wanted to be in our home with our new baby with our support system. But when we did get home our amazing church family had our house cleaned, bought us a pack in play, diapers, stocked fridge, diaper bag, stroller and the list goes on.

First time holding Zyan.

Andy told me the reason I never held a newborn was because I wanted my first time to be my child.

Some of our middle school kids through us a Meet Zyan Shower

Hadnt even put anything in my basket yet

7month pics

First plane ride home and he did awesome

Second plane ride home and daddy got me flowers z a new toy

my boys

My family came in for the final court hearing..OCT. 2011

First Family Christmas

First Bday



When I tell our adoption story and look back at Zyan's story I know he was ment for our family. There are so many little stories in between but franckly that would take a whole book to write. I couldnt have made a child more like Andy and I its crazy how much of his personality is like ours. He is a very smart kid, loves cars:always has to have at least 2 in each hand, also loves; singing and dancing, airplanes, fruit, will talk to anyone who will listen, sweet, loving, a hugger and LOUD. I know God has a special plan for Zyan's life. He is so special to so many people and can make anyone smile. I pray all the time that he would love others, show compassion to all and be joyful. All things he does so well already

My Bucket List

So I know that I am keeping everyone on their toes about Zyan's adoption story but I am still writing it. was telling someone I had a bucket list and they didnt understand why I would need one. Should you live your life to the fullest anyway....? Yeah I said however, I like goals and always trying to do something different in my life. Ya know to keep me on my toes. So here is my bucket list I started when Andy and I got married almost 5 yrs ago. I still add stuff to the list when I hear or think of something but for now this is what I have down and many things I have been able to accomplish(the ones that are in purple). I also have a whole other list of cities I want to visit. What can I say I am a list girl! But Thank YOU JESUS for all the awesome things I have gotten to do in my life and the amazing places I have been and the things I have seen...Here is to many more!

Pet a Lion

Go to the Olympics

Learn to flyfish

Camp on the beach

Walk up a lighthouse

Stay at Big Wolfe Lodge

Stay at the ritz

Stay at Big Cedar Lodge

Snowmobile

Go on a sleigh ride

Go to willow creek church

White water rafting

sing karokee

see Cirque De Solae

See the Rockettes

Ice state outside

Go to a Hockey Game

Drive to the Keys

Learn to nit a stalking har

See someones life change for Jesus

Start a blog

Be a foster Parent

Hear live jazz music

NBA game

Take a tennis lesson

Ride on a train

Zipline in Costa Rica

Ride a horse on the beach

Work in Retail

Take a yoga class

Try Thia Food

Go to Mall of America

Learn to paddle board

Learn to surf

Adopt a child

Adopt an animal

Volunteer on a monthly bases

Dont eat dessert for an entire month

Read the whole bible

Take an art class

Be on an adult soccer league

Make money taking photos

Cake Boss Bakery

Segway Tour

Piano lesson

Cake Decorating Class

Rock Climb outside

Andys favorite beach in NJ

Ride a bike around the beach

Hot air balloon ride

Macys Day Parade 

Broadway Show

See White House

Hike Grand Canyon

Have a garden

Go to a Cavern

Hug a red oak

Run in the Color Run

Run a 1/2

Message on the beach

Eat at Paula Deans

Original Ron JOns

Graduate College

Pro Football game

Atlanta Aquirum

Ride a motorcycle

Ride a motorcycle in a another country

Go to a third world country

Snorkel in the ocean

country concert outisde

Pick Apples

Pick strawberrys

Own a home