I am stuck

So many have asked how our first placement went. Lets just say it lasted a whole 4 days people. I cant get into all the details and I am still processing through it all to be honest.

People are asking me how I am doing and Im struggling I really am. This system is so screwed up. I feel lied to, betrayed and quit honestly like a failure. We are yet another home that failed a child. This child needs major stability, a stricted schedule, and hard love. With our camp life that we live I can provide 1 out of those 3 things....hard love. I think about the girl every day that we had and how much she needs Jesus and not just in her head but truly in her heart. She has so many issues I cant begin to list them, she was tough, really though and most people told that to us but I still had to give her a chance I felt like.

And now I just feel stuck. Do we get back into it knowing that there might be things that are stuffed under the rug that they dont tell us? How Lord does this fit into our life style especially kids that dont do well with change and Andy traveling so much and Andy going back to school and me working to pay for school? I think about Zyan and how he literally just came to be in our life and I feel strongly about adoption and I felt like that was hard and I can do hard things but this.....THIS IS HARD!!!

People ask," what keeps you up at night" and this keeps me up at night. Thinking about these kids and can we really do this. Can I leave my selfishness, my sleep, my time with Andy, friends, nap times aside? We have inquired about many kids up for adoption of all ages and NOTHING has happened. So yet another thing I feel discouraged about....GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

If I have had to pin point anything in all of this it truly is that sometimes what we think is GOD's timing really isnt and I try and rush things way to quickly. In reality we probably shouldnt have taken that girl in just with the timing of all the change we had coming up and still living at camp. I see that now but what I thought would be a good thing wasnt so much as BIG learning thing.