So many have asked how our first placement went. Lets just say it lasted a whole 4 days people. I cant get into all the details and I am still processing through it all to be honest.
People are asking me how I am doing and Im struggling I really am. This system is so screwed up. I feel lied to, betrayed and quit honestly like a failure. We are yet another home that failed a child. This child needs major stability, a stricted schedule, and hard love. With our camp life that we live I can provide 1 out of those 3 things....hard love. I think about the girl every day that we had and how much she needs Jesus and not just in her head but truly in her heart. She has so many issues I cant begin to list them, she was tough, really though and most people told that to us but I still had to give her a chance I felt like.
And now I just feel stuck. Do we get back into it knowing that there might be things that are stuffed under the rug that they dont tell us? How Lord does this fit into our life style especially kids that dont do well with change and Andy traveling so much and Andy going back to school and me working to pay for school? I think about Zyan and how he literally just came to be in our life and I feel strongly about adoption and I felt like that was hard and I can do hard things but this.....THIS IS HARD!!!
People ask," what keeps you up at night" and this keeps me up at night. Thinking about these kids and can we really do this. Can I leave my selfishness, my sleep, my time with Andy, friends, nap times aside? We have inquired about many kids up for adoption of all ages and NOTHING has happened. So yet another thing I feel discouraged about....GOD WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
If I have had to pin point anything in all of this it truly is that sometimes what we think is GOD's timing really isnt and I try and rush things way to quickly. In reality we probably shouldnt have taken that girl in just with the timing of all the change we had coming up and still living at camp. I see that now but what I thought would be a good thing wasnt so much as BIG learning thing.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Mommy Fairytale Failure
I hate new years resolutions. Who actually sticks with them and why do we have to start them on january 1 when you usually just break them a week later? Or you look at everyone elses and the comparison factor sets in. I already work out, eat healthier than most, have my finances in check so there goes the top 3 things most people try and work on.
However, this year for some reason really got me thinking about my life and honestly got me in the stinken MOM DUMPS!!! and now my brain just wont stop thinking..... This writing is to all my future mommas and maybe even the ones out there who want a fairytale mommy life. Guess what ITS NOT OUT THERE and if you have it then please TELL ME HOW?
Lets back up to what I used to think a fairytale mommy life would be.....My child would always use their manors,(um yeah today at lunch in a restaurant my child said momma, I farted...shewey that stinky), never scream or wine in a store for a toy...I mean just saying NO you should be greatful for what you have(that should work right?), sleep to 8am, take 3hr naps daily, make a happy plate, play quietly by themselves, buckle themselves in their own car seat by age 1.(bahah yeah right) Once potty trained they would NEVER pee in their pants again, have playdates with other mommies and be BFF with eachother...ok yeah the list could go on really. For the most part my kid is really awesome except screams at me if I try to dress him or do anything because DUH daddy is around and wants him to do everything!!!
But I say all this because Mommy hood is STINKEN hard and honestly I feel alone in my life right now with this whole journey. I have been so BLESSED with friends that I have known for a very long time but none of those friends live where I live now. They live all over the united states. All the girls that get me, that I dont have to talk about mommy things with, that can talk about God, family, jobs, passions and ambitions with. I guess this all started when Andy asked me who my best friend was in Arkansas and I couldnt answer him. Not that I need another "best friend" but that I could have someone that gets me like that ya know. Someone I could call when im sick here, or just wanna hang out on a friday night, vacation with, go to the movies, call and say im comin over NOW....yada yada yada;You get my drift.... the problem is me and everyone else are so busy with life that we dont have in depth friendships or we already have those people that we dont want to let anyone else in our friend circle. Or our kids play together but thats all we know about them....OUR KIDS!
I guess Im just saying its not that I dont enjoy play groups or other moms its just where/when do the real friendships begin? We have almost lived here for 2 yrs and I know these things take time. So as of today im not going to say a new years resolution but im going to start a Charles Family make-over. Each month im going to ask a new family over for lunch or dinner to really spend time with them and ask questions about their life. Im not going to spend as much time on instagram and facebook looking at other moms and playing the pitiful me look at their mommy life it looks so great compared to mine card, because when it comes down to the heart of it I HAVE NOTHING to complain about AT ALL! I just want REAL community so REAL community will begin in our families life.
However, this year for some reason really got me thinking about my life and honestly got me in the stinken MOM DUMPS!!! and now my brain just wont stop thinking..... This writing is to all my future mommas and maybe even the ones out there who want a fairytale mommy life. Guess what ITS NOT OUT THERE and if you have it then please TELL ME HOW?
Lets back up to what I used to think a fairytale mommy life would be.....My child would always use their manors,(um yeah today at lunch in a restaurant my child said momma, I farted...shewey that stinky), never scream or wine in a store for a toy...I mean just saying NO you should be greatful for what you have(that should work right?), sleep to 8am, take 3hr naps daily, make a happy plate, play quietly by themselves, buckle themselves in their own car seat by age 1.(bahah yeah right) Once potty trained they would NEVER pee in their pants again, have playdates with other mommies and be BFF with eachother...ok yeah the list could go on really. For the most part my kid is really awesome except screams at me if I try to dress him or do anything because DUH daddy is around and wants him to do everything!!!
But I say all this because Mommy hood is STINKEN hard and honestly I feel alone in my life right now with this whole journey. I have been so BLESSED with friends that I have known for a very long time but none of those friends live where I live now. They live all over the united states. All the girls that get me, that I dont have to talk about mommy things with, that can talk about God, family, jobs, passions and ambitions with. I guess this all started when Andy asked me who my best friend was in Arkansas and I couldnt answer him. Not that I need another "best friend" but that I could have someone that gets me like that ya know. Someone I could call when im sick here, or just wanna hang out on a friday night, vacation with, go to the movies, call and say im comin over NOW....yada yada yada;You get my drift.... the problem is me and everyone else are so busy with life that we dont have in depth friendships or we already have those people that we dont want to let anyone else in our friend circle. Or our kids play together but thats all we know about them....OUR KIDS!
I guess Im just saying its not that I dont enjoy play groups or other moms its just where/when do the real friendships begin? We have almost lived here for 2 yrs and I know these things take time. So as of today im not going to say a new years resolution but im going to start a Charles Family make-over. Each month im going to ask a new family over for lunch or dinner to really spend time with them and ask questions about their life. Im not going to spend as much time on instagram and facebook looking at other moms and playing the pitiful me look at their mommy life it looks so great compared to mine card, because when it comes down to the heart of it I HAVE NOTHING to complain about AT ALL! I just want REAL community so REAL community will begin in our families life.
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